I'm not on facebook for a while, so what else am I to do with all the spare time I dont have? Write blogs? haha
So, why am I off facebook? Because I need a break from everything. I suppose I'll post what I wrote as a note when I said my goodbye.
When the superficial wearies me, it wearies me so much that I need an abyss in order to rest. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin
I told Erica and Robert that I can see why I shouldn't be involved in politics. My heart aches for things that need to be changed. My heart breaks for the things that should be changed, and are not. I take it. I think about it. It lingers. It tugs. I feel a war raging inside of me.
So many things though; textbook prices, child prostitution, two-faced people, people without healthcare, people without food, dysfunction, failed relationships, colleges that aren't cooperative, potential that is not invested in, and so much more.
This is only a small portion of what weighs my heart down. What hurts me is knowing that I can't do much about the things that I feel so strongly about. That I can only take baby steps towards reaching certain things, when I'd like to be taking giant, fast paced steps.
I cried to Erica and Robert about being upset with the fact that there are student who can barely afford a community college, and may not be able to afford books. A couple of us on senate (along with the whole senate of course) have been diligently working on a way to get faculty at hcc to cooperate with a couple points, which will in turn allow students to have better textbook access- prices, and availability. But, there are faculty that for some reason are not willing to even work with students, because of pride would be my guess. I just get so frustrated with the injustice of something that has the potential to be something so good- and its not just text book issues, its also shared governance issues. As students, respectable senate members, shouldn’t we be able to be awarded the ability to have a say on the college senate. Again, pride I believe.
I cried to Julie later on after that about how I didn’t like the way my mythology professor was presenting the book of Genesis and God. That could get me going for a while- but I just felt hurt during a couple of his lectures- and most students in the class wouldn’t understand what I feel about it because I'm one of the two Christians in the class (that I know of thus far). I like to be the best at everything I do, but I can compromise my beliefs to get a good grade on a paper.
I cried today over school issues. Hampshire College told me that if I was not able to get them the fafsa form, I should just look at going to a different college, because I wouldn’t be able to afford them out of my pocket anyways. They also said that all the other schools I applied to would tell me the same. How encouraging. Fortunately I believe I've found a loophole that I am going to investigate. I’ve never been one to give up or to let things stop me… and so even though this situation seems hopeless, I’m still hoping to find a way.
Organic chemistry kills me every time I meet with it. It slaps me in the face every time. I hate it. I need a tutor.
“Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong.”
Winston Churchill
Everything in me aches right now, not just what I've talked about thus far. I'm not miserable. I’m not angry. I’m not depressed. I’m just very contemplative and right now- probably because my period is due, I’m sensitive. And maybe, maybe its also because God has given me a compassionate heart? My parents wouldn’t think so- actually, all I’ve ever been told by them is that I’m a cold person- but I don’t think they’ve really known who I am deeply for quite a while now. But, that is another matter.
I was talking with Jackie today and was telling her that all I would like to do is go away for a little bit- no computer, no TV, no people; nothing. Just a couple books, my bible, and a notebook. I’d like to get away to somewhere deep in the woods or maybe by a beach. I would love a secluded area where I could just sit in quiet and just listen.
I think I remember reading something by Thoreau, and he talked about walking through the woods alone, being just of himself, enjoying his solitude. It made me want that. It made me want simplicity. Actually, lately all I’ve wanted is simplicity. I like his statement “
As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness. “
What do I need? I need to get away from the things that are a constant bother. Things that I can’t actually seem to get away from. Things that stress me out, make me cry. People, places, situations, events, everything. I don’t really like to think of it as running away from my problems- I’m too much of a hard worker to do that; but I see it as the need to take a break from my problems. Is that what vacation is supposed to be?
There are reveries so deep, reveries which help us descend so deeply within ourselves that they rid us of our history. They liberate us from our name. These solitudes of today return us to the original solitudes. -Gaston Bachelard
So, if you’ve actually read thus far, I commend you. My statement now is that I’m stepping away from face book for a while. I’m not sure how long, but I just don’t want to be here for a while. If anyone needs me, I ask that you’d call my phone 413-231-3870.
When the superficial wearies me, it wearies me so much that I need an abyss in order to rest. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin
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So, I'll probably end up writing more in here; which might not be a bad thing because I always find that writing helps clear my head. And as far as I know, not many people know about this blog- so it's not like I'm typing for the whole world to see.
