I hate conversations like these. I hate that you dont understand me sometimes. It feels like evey weekend we have some kind of issue. I'm really not okay with this.
In other news, I got in, and am going to smith college in the fall. Boooyaaa to all you stupid people who have stood in my way- phsyically, emotionally, mentally, etc. HAH!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thats how my brain feels right now.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thats how my brain feels right now.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Friday saturday sunday
Great weekend. Ben came to visit. I wish that our time together was longer, but I always wish that. Maybe one day later on in life we'll be together for more than two-four days every month or so. That would be nice.
I think I might stay home this summer. I was looking at taking a trip to China and working along side of doctors doing a medical practicum with the EFCA, and then there was this medical office internship at a camp in Maryland, and then there was the idea of working back down in New Orleans. I don't know where I should be going or what I should be doing. I dont even know if I'll be going to college this fall. But, what I do know is that I have a job at a really great lab making more than minimum wage, and I have the opportunity to work at the fire department in southwick all summer making good money. So if I am unable to go to college in the fall I'll atleast have a little bit of money by then, and maybe I'll take the national registry emt test and move out of massachusetts to a state where I can pick up working as an EMT and figure out what I'm going to do for college after that. It's all so up in the air.
I dont know what I want though. I like the idea of working in town as an EMT this summer. I like that I'll be able to see all my hard work that I put in last semester pay off.
But at the same time, I would love to be off traveling- I have that part of me that just wants to be everywhere and try everything and experience it all. But maybe that will come later down the road.
I think I might stay home this summer. I was looking at taking a trip to China and working along side of doctors doing a medical practicum with the EFCA, and then there was this medical office internship at a camp in Maryland, and then there was the idea of working back down in New Orleans. I don't know where I should be going or what I should be doing. I dont even know if I'll be going to college this fall. But, what I do know is that I have a job at a really great lab making more than minimum wage, and I have the opportunity to work at the fire department in southwick all summer making good money. So if I am unable to go to college in the fall I'll atleast have a little bit of money by then, and maybe I'll take the national registry emt test and move out of massachusetts to a state where I can pick up working as an EMT and figure out what I'm going to do for college after that. It's all so up in the air.
I dont know what I want though. I like the idea of working in town as an EMT this summer. I like that I'll be able to see all my hard work that I put in last semester pay off.
But at the same time, I would love to be off traveling- I have that part of me that just wants to be everywhere and try everything and experience it all. But maybe that will come later down the road.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Simplicity.
My boss said something incredible today; very enlightening, and totally not on purpose... and what sucks is, I can't remember what it is she said. But I remember thinking at that moment, 'wow, that was really deep.' Or atleast, it hit me deep.
If I can remember anything at all, which isnt very likely, she said something about the topic of simplicity and being happy with just getting enough. Oh yes, thats it. She mentioned something about the plant she was repotting and how she had just enough stuff to repot it, and she was thrilled.
I'm not sure how, but my mind went in like fifteen different directions with what she said and the idea behind it. Being happy just getting by. Most people arent happy with that; but I've been totally learning how to be happy with just having enough to take care of the needs and that it. Like, I am BEYOND thrilled when I have enough money to pay for car insurance, rent, my phone bill, my compassion child I sponsor, and to put gas in my car. I barely make enough to do all of this but when I see that I have just enough when I didnt think I did, I am so happy.
And it all makes me want to live a more simple life; being happy with what I have, not being over possessive over things I want, and living life on a day to day basis instead of living on a year to year, or years to years basis.
I dont know, just food for thought that I've been chewing on all day.
If I can remember anything at all, which isnt very likely, she said something about the topic of simplicity and being happy with just getting enough. Oh yes, thats it. She mentioned something about the plant she was repotting and how she had just enough stuff to repot it, and she was thrilled.
I'm not sure how, but my mind went in like fifteen different directions with what she said and the idea behind it. Being happy just getting by. Most people arent happy with that; but I've been totally learning how to be happy with just having enough to take care of the needs and that it. Like, I am BEYOND thrilled when I have enough money to pay for car insurance, rent, my phone bill, my compassion child I sponsor, and to put gas in my car. I barely make enough to do all of this but when I see that I have just enough when I didnt think I did, I am so happy.
And it all makes me want to live a more simple life; being happy with what I have, not being over possessive over things I want, and living life on a day to day basis instead of living on a year to year, or years to years basis.
I dont know, just food for thought that I've been chewing on all day.
Monday, March 2, 2009
No facebook
I'm not on facebook for a while, so what else am I to do with all the spare time I dont have? Write blogs? haha
So, why am I off facebook? Because I need a break from everything. I suppose I'll post what I wrote as a note when I said my goodbye.
When the superficial wearies me, it wearies me so much that I need an abyss in order to rest. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin
I told Erica and Robert that I can see why I shouldn't be involved in politics. My heart aches for things that need to be changed. My heart breaks for the things that should be changed, and are not. I take it. I think about it. It lingers. It tugs. I feel a war raging inside of me.
So many things though; textbook prices, child prostitution, two-faced people, people without healthcare, people without food, dysfunction, failed relationships, colleges that aren't cooperative, potential that is not invested in, and so much more.
This is only a small portion of what weighs my heart down. What hurts me is knowing that I can't do much about the things that I feel so strongly about. That I can only take baby steps towards reaching certain things, when I'd like to be taking giant, fast paced steps.
I cried to Erica and Robert about being upset with the fact that there are student who can barely afford a community college, and may not be able to afford books. A couple of us on senate (along with the whole senate of course) have been diligently working on a way to get faculty at hcc to cooperate with a couple points, which will in turn allow students to have better textbook access- prices, and availability. But, there are faculty that for some reason are not willing to even work with students, because of pride would be my guess. I just get so frustrated with the injustice of something that has the potential to be something so good- and its not just text book issues, its also shared governance issues. As students, respectable senate members, shouldn’t we be able to be awarded the ability to have a say on the college senate. Again, pride I believe.
I cried to Julie later on after that about how I didn’t like the way my mythology professor was presenting the book of Genesis and God. That could get me going for a while- but I just felt hurt during a couple of his lectures- and most students in the class wouldn’t understand what I feel about it because I'm one of the two Christians in the class (that I know of thus far). I like to be the best at everything I do, but I can compromise my beliefs to get a good grade on a paper.
I cried today over school issues. Hampshire College told me that if I was not able to get them the fafsa form, I should just look at going to a different college, because I wouldn’t be able to afford them out of my pocket anyways. They also said that all the other schools I applied to would tell me the same. How encouraging. Fortunately I believe I've found a loophole that I am going to investigate. I’ve never been one to give up or to let things stop me… and so even though this situation seems hopeless, I’m still hoping to find a way.
Organic chemistry kills me every time I meet with it. It slaps me in the face every time. I hate it. I need a tutor.
“Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong.”
Winston Churchill
Everything in me aches right now, not just what I've talked about thus far. I'm not miserable. I’m not angry. I’m not depressed. I’m just very contemplative and right now- probably because my period is due, I’m sensitive. And maybe, maybe its also because God has given me a compassionate heart? My parents wouldn’t think so- actually, all I’ve ever been told by them is that I’m a cold person- but I don’t think they’ve really known who I am deeply for quite a while now. But, that is another matter.
I was talking with Jackie today and was telling her that all I would like to do is go away for a little bit- no computer, no TV, no people; nothing. Just a couple books, my bible, and a notebook. I’d like to get away to somewhere deep in the woods or maybe by a beach. I would love a secluded area where I could just sit in quiet and just listen.
I think I remember reading something by Thoreau, and he talked about walking through the woods alone, being just of himself, enjoying his solitude. It made me want that. It made me want simplicity. Actually, lately all I’ve wanted is simplicity. I like his statement “
As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness. “
What do I need? I need to get away from the things that are a constant bother. Things that I can’t actually seem to get away from. Things that stress me out, make me cry. People, places, situations, events, everything. I don’t really like to think of it as running away from my problems- I’m too much of a hard worker to do that; but I see it as the need to take a break from my problems. Is that what vacation is supposed to be?
There are reveries so deep, reveries which help us descend so deeply within ourselves that they rid us of our history. They liberate us from our name. These solitudes of today return us to the original solitudes. -Gaston Bachelard
So, if you’ve actually read thus far, I commend you. My statement now is that I’m stepping away from face book for a while. I’m not sure how long, but I just don’t want to be here for a while. If anyone needs me, I ask that you’d call my phone 413-231-3870.
When the superficial wearies me, it wearies me so much that I need an abyss in order to rest. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin
--------------------
So, I'll probably end up writing more in here; which might not be a bad thing because I always find that writing helps clear my head. And as far as I know, not many people know about this blog- so it's not like I'm typing for the whole world to see.
So, why am I off facebook? Because I need a break from everything. I suppose I'll post what I wrote as a note when I said my goodbye.
When the superficial wearies me, it wearies me so much that I need an abyss in order to rest. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin
I told Erica and Robert that I can see why I shouldn't be involved in politics. My heart aches for things that need to be changed. My heart breaks for the things that should be changed, and are not. I take it. I think about it. It lingers. It tugs. I feel a war raging inside of me.
So many things though; textbook prices, child prostitution, two-faced people, people without healthcare, people without food, dysfunction, failed relationships, colleges that aren't cooperative, potential that is not invested in, and so much more.
This is only a small portion of what weighs my heart down. What hurts me is knowing that I can't do much about the things that I feel so strongly about. That I can only take baby steps towards reaching certain things, when I'd like to be taking giant, fast paced steps.
I cried to Erica and Robert about being upset with the fact that there are student who can barely afford a community college, and may not be able to afford books. A couple of us on senate (along with the whole senate of course) have been diligently working on a way to get faculty at hcc to cooperate with a couple points, which will in turn allow students to have better textbook access- prices, and availability. But, there are faculty that for some reason are not willing to even work with students, because of pride would be my guess. I just get so frustrated with the injustice of something that has the potential to be something so good- and its not just text book issues, its also shared governance issues. As students, respectable senate members, shouldn’t we be able to be awarded the ability to have a say on the college senate. Again, pride I believe.
I cried to Julie later on after that about how I didn’t like the way my mythology professor was presenting the book of Genesis and God. That could get me going for a while- but I just felt hurt during a couple of his lectures- and most students in the class wouldn’t understand what I feel about it because I'm one of the two Christians in the class (that I know of thus far). I like to be the best at everything I do, but I can compromise my beliefs to get a good grade on a paper.
I cried today over school issues. Hampshire College told me that if I was not able to get them the fafsa form, I should just look at going to a different college, because I wouldn’t be able to afford them out of my pocket anyways. They also said that all the other schools I applied to would tell me the same. How encouraging. Fortunately I believe I've found a loophole that I am going to investigate. I’ve never been one to give up or to let things stop me… and so even though this situation seems hopeless, I’m still hoping to find a way.
Organic chemistry kills me every time I meet with it. It slaps me in the face every time. I hate it. I need a tutor.
“Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong.”
Winston Churchill
Everything in me aches right now, not just what I've talked about thus far. I'm not miserable. I’m not angry. I’m not depressed. I’m just very contemplative and right now- probably because my period is due, I’m sensitive. And maybe, maybe its also because God has given me a compassionate heart? My parents wouldn’t think so- actually, all I’ve ever been told by them is that I’m a cold person- but I don’t think they’ve really known who I am deeply for quite a while now. But, that is another matter.
I was talking with Jackie today and was telling her that all I would like to do is go away for a little bit- no computer, no TV, no people; nothing. Just a couple books, my bible, and a notebook. I’d like to get away to somewhere deep in the woods or maybe by a beach. I would love a secluded area where I could just sit in quiet and just listen.
I think I remember reading something by Thoreau, and he talked about walking through the woods alone, being just of himself, enjoying his solitude. It made me want that. It made me want simplicity. Actually, lately all I’ve wanted is simplicity. I like his statement “
As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness. “
What do I need? I need to get away from the things that are a constant bother. Things that I can’t actually seem to get away from. Things that stress me out, make me cry. People, places, situations, events, everything. I don’t really like to think of it as running away from my problems- I’m too much of a hard worker to do that; but I see it as the need to take a break from my problems. Is that what vacation is supposed to be?
There are reveries so deep, reveries which help us descend so deeply within ourselves that they rid us of our history. They liberate us from our name. These solitudes of today return us to the original solitudes. -Gaston Bachelard
So, if you’ve actually read thus far, I commend you. My statement now is that I’m stepping away from face book for a while. I’m not sure how long, but I just don’t want to be here for a while. If anyone needs me, I ask that you’d call my phone 413-231-3870.
When the superficial wearies me, it wearies me so much that I need an abyss in order to rest. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin
--------------------
So, I'll probably end up writing more in here; which might not be a bad thing because I always find that writing helps clear my head. And as far as I know, not many people know about this blog- so it's not like I'm typing for the whole world to see.
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